Shake it… shake it like ya cellmate told ya to.

In late 2003, Outkast frontman “Andre 3000” (Gemini, married), posed this question: “What’s cooler than being cool?”

“Ice cold” was the response offered by his backing singers.

This strikes me as a rather one-dimensional answer, derived of only basic scientific deduction. This important question, deserves thorough exploration through the tangents of lateral thought (or perhaps just the messed up cognitive diarrhea of an exhausted cyclist).

To me this question poses another question “Was Team Andre paying attention at the start of White Men Can’t Jump?”

I think this photo of Wesley Snipes (Leo, married) 1, wearing a Time cycling cap and smiling whilst trash talking his basketball rivals, is proof that the cooler than cool issue was addressed long before the question even passed through Andre’s fuzzy head.

Credit to http://chriswight.blogspot.com.au/ for the awesome find.

You may have guessed by now that I have been away from mountain biking for a while.

What has compelled me at this time to raise the important topics of rock star status, cycling aesthetic and sporting apparel dyslexia, is the following photo of the men’s elite podium at the recent Kona Odyssey.

A bit polished? However, that checkered top is doing awesome things to my tired, muddy eyes right now.

What happened to mountain biking whilst I was gone? The elite podium’s all polished up. Where’s the facial hair, colored Mohawks and fluoro tinted glasses? (For the application of loud check clothing, Paul and Jason are spared full critique).

Compare this to the explorative cycling aesthetics of the formative years of mountain biking:

Vail, Colorado.

The scene of the 1994 XC MTB World Championships starring Rick James as Tinker Juarez, and Tom Selleck posing as John Tomac.

Fast forward a few years, when I left the sport, mountain bikers still had an alluring no-boundaries approach to apparel and style. The aesthetic was loud and unforgiving.

In a crowd of cyclists, the mountain bikers could be identified by their hairstyles, eye wateringly fluoro kits, exuberant goggles and massive lids (with visors).

The queen of mountain biking style was Missy “The Missile” Giove (Aquarius, playing the field) 2.

Missy, with Gonzo her pet piranha

Mohawk Missy

Skanky Raver Missy

Even back then there was already a tangible division appearing between the pioneers and the “don’t trust new technology (carbon fibre and dual suspension), they might break” attitude of the purists. Around the time of the Sydney Olympics, the purist’s view prevailed amongst the elite. What resulted was a unique combination of mushroom heads catapulting off rock gardens, which meant that elite XC events often resembled the Mario Cart games of the era.

There’s no refuting video evidence with a guitar-slapping backing track.

These are my fond memories of the golden age of mountain biking style.

Since this magical time, I have been lost in the deep cosmos of road cycling. Like most roadies, I got sucked in to its vortex of all too obvious but seldom spoken aesthetic rules.

Road cycling aesthetic is an expansive topic that I think its best I leave it to the experts 3, other than to say that at recent group rides, my appearance in skin tight matching kit, white sunnies and $400 Italian cycling shoes, has not gone unnoticed by my best cycling mates.

“What’s all this? You’ve changed. I remember when you were king of the color clash: proudly wearing 3D glasses with green, orange and red kit (the alluring “traffic light” look) whilst riding up Buffalo”.

They were right. And I’m going to embrace the explorative ethos of years gone. Buck the mainsteam trend. Celebrate me inner mountain man / woman. Do something different, explore the fringe, pair the mismatched, grow my hair.

That, or buy a new pair of Sidis.

Well done to all the Fitzroy Revolution team at the 2012 Kona Otway: I was pleased to see the spirit of mountain biking past represented by several team members sporting goaties and side burns.

Great results all round. Full Kona Odyssey results here.

Cheers,

James Burns

http://app.strava.com/athletes/111528

Notes:

1. After White Men Can’t Jump, Wesley Snipes went on to name his children Akhenaten Kihwa-T, Iset Jua-T, Alaafia Jehu-T and Alimayu Moa-T. Cooler than cool? Bonkers? I’ll let you judge.

2. Former World Champ Missy Giove was convicted in 2009 for assisting in the traffic 350 pounds of marijuana across the US, but she didn’t serve any more time in prison.

3. The Velominati do an excellent job of articulating the seldom-spoken “rules” of road cycling aesthetic.

Things to do :

* Set some NEW riding and Racing Goals for 2012. Try another event ,distance or format and mix it up

* Get your bikes serviced at The Fitzroy Revolution of course. A smooth running steed is faster and funner !

* New  bar tape on your roadie. Makes it feel like a new bike when you can’t afford that S-Works weapon you want.

* Try some new products ( see below)

Things to try :

* GU Brew Electrolyte Tablets
For training I like to use an electrolyte mix that is low on carbs (especially sugar). I prefer to eat food for my energy intake when I train so these are perfect. They come in 3 flavours, Orange, Lemon-Lime &  Peach Tea. Simply pop a tablet in your bottle you’re away. They have been a real winner this summer !

* Specialized Foam Grips
Yeah they have been around for years but  I have never tried them as I have always just used the grips that came on my bike. But in the search of better performance I brought these and they are tops. Better feel, comfort and grip have me converted to Foam. Specialized make them in a few colours and sizes, 5 minutes &  some hairspray and your bike is lighter and performs better !

* Garmin Edge 500
This is the coolest accessory I have ever bought !  Do you need it….No…..but will you love it YES ! When I swapped onto a 29er my old bike computer didn’t fit and after chatting to DC and Jimmy I found myself as the owner of a Garmin 500. They’re aren’t cheap but they do everything except pedal your bike faster for you. I also love the minimalist factor that one computer does all 3 of my bikes. I got the 500 bundle with the Heart rate monitor and it records a ton of data which easily downloads to your computer.I am learning heaps about my riding strengths and weaknesses and did I mention I LOVE IT !

* STRAVA
Not really a product but it compliments the Garmin beautifully. A lot of talk during ride week was about Strava and it certainly settles arguments about ascent times or descent times for that matter. It is free, easy to use and has added another element to my training and ride buddy rivalries.

* SPECIALIZED 2BLISS MTB TYRES
These making going tubeless or tyre changing …well bliss-full. Matched to my Roval Wheelset they have been easy to re-mount, puncture free and well priced. Find some Bliss and get onto this !

So hope that helps, would be happy to answer more questions about any of the products mentioned here. Contact me via The Fitzroy Revolution -Research Laboratories Division .

In the meantime ride lots, fast or for fun !

We left on Boxing Day, with our stomachs still filled with trifle and Christmas pudding. It was a bitter 16 degrees in Woodend when we left on the road up to Mount Beauty.

On this trip there were five of us, Paulie, Patto, Bel, Carrie and myself. Bel and Carrie would drive the car to our destination each day leaving Paulie and Andrew to take it in turns punishing me through the mountains. The Car would lug all our gear, sleeping bags, tents, spare parts and the essential tin of milo that would prove to be my greatest motivation to finish each days riding.

Day One, Mount beauty to Benambra, it was a bitter, cold morning on the first day, but I made the most of the cold refrigerated milk with my warm jam laced toast because I knew it was going to be a long time till I saw my friend the toaster again. We left the cabin we were staying in at the base of Mount Beauty at around 8:30 and started riding, the first part of the day involved climbing up to Falls Creek, I dreaded this climb the most, mainly because I’d driven up to Falls Creek before, and know the road, turns out that this climb was to be the easiest of the tour.

     Upon summiting Falls creek we happened to meet up with our crew car where we enjoyed some peanut butter sandwiches and rice cakes, truly the food of champions, Continuing on over Falls Creek we said goodbye to the only bit of tarmac we would be riding on this tour as we jumped onto Kelly’s track, a long, narrow, overgrown track that looked like it sole purpose was to ensure flat tyres, broken hangers, and cramps. With Andrew being plagued by cramps Paul and I took a moment to look around and experience where we truly were, with the snowy gums creaking, the warm sun beating down on our backs and the sound of a free hub whizzing past us as Andrew tried to keep ahead of his cramps, but it didn’t work, and then this rolled in

     So then we chucked our bikes into big ring and pinned it down the side of the mountain and onto the Omeo highway, now I’d never been on the Omeo highway before, and I took the name a little too literally, and when we got to the “highway” I wasn’t angry that it was a dirt road, my ass though, it was, and the thousands of corrugations weren’t helping. But we made it to Benambra, my ass and all.

The second morning was, early. Waking up to the smell of Chain Oil seeping through my dew soaked tent was a rude awaken, but nothing a few milo coated weet-bix couldn’t fix. The day was set to be a hot one, so we loaded up our camelbaks and set off with a mission to get to Tom grogging and beat the heat, we were still riding when it hit 2:00 and we realised that we weren’t going to miss the heat, and a calm, sun baking blue tongue reassured us that it was infact, hot, and then another hour down the track Paulie sported a new trick that I’d never seen before, reinventing the bunny hop, into the snake hop as he leaped over a brown snake.

A story we then laughed about at our lunch break as I enjoyed my salami and couscous sandwich with bits of crushed fruit bread. Over lunch Andrew started to come down with a serious case of “Cramp-illitis” and jumped into the car for the second half of the day, leaving just Paul and I to make it to Tom Grogging via pedal power, So we took another look at the map and found we had two choices a 44km route up over Mount Anderson or a 32km route over Tom Grogging track, and In good Paulie fashion he wanted to go the 44km way, needless to say I was not keen.

     Tom grogging track would turn out to be the hardest thing I’d ever ridden, period. A steady 20%- 30% gradient on loose, Sharp, basketball sized rocks would be awaiting us for the next 10kms. At this point in the blog I would just like to ask, If you know anyone named Tom Grogging, or even anyone with the last name Groggin, hell if you know a guy named Tom, please send me their information on 0417753596 because I have a fairly big bone to pick with Mr Groggin. But we made it, and the descent down into Tom Grogging was, sweet! And as the terrain flattened out I knew we had made it there, I could practically smell the half full tin of Milo that I’d be longing for, Turns out that I was a lot closer to that tin of milo than I thought, and in about 50 meters we met up with car, but we weren’t quite there yet, we had one final obstacle for the day, we had a small river crossing to get through, just a small one, it was hardly a river really, had a funny name, reminded me of the wiggles, what was it, Jeff? Greg? Anthony? Murray? MURRAY! That was it, we had to cross the Murray river, and there wasn’t a bridge.

     Another day another dew soaked tent……but this time no chain oil, Yay! It was a warm morning as we strolled out of the campsite and up to Thredbo village were we had an awesome route planned from Thredbo up to Jindabyne, we were all so keen for this track, but it turned out that it wasn’t quite ready.

     So we certainly weren’t keen on spending the next two hours on the black tarmac so we drove up to Jindabyne where we got in some essential shopping, More milo! Along with some less important items like, bread, milk and other non milo related items. From there we headed up to our camp site at Saw Mill creek. Being the outgoing guy I am I was keen to get my creek sawing skills up, sadly I was very disappointed to hear that there was no saw mill and in fact the creek had dried up, I was shattered. But I managed to Ninja some power from the Laundry there, so I was happy.

The next day I woke up before the blazing sun had a chance of reaching my eyes, so I was already happy, and my mood continued to get better through the morning because I knew that day we would be setting off to summit Mount Kosciusko, we had to be out of the Saw Mill creek camping site by 9:00. So we packed up, checked out and drove up to a little car park where we kitted up our bikes and headed off

      The weather was excellent that day, although the march flies were out, and it was still December! But nothing could bring my mood down, I was just keen to get to the top, and after passing Charlotte’s pass it didn’t take long.

     The dirt path up to the top was loose and skatey, I loved it, but about 50 metres from the top I found something I didn’t love.

    I was angry, and my carbon riding shoes didn’t like it as well. But I was still keen to get to the top, so I dug deep, peeled of my shoes and socks and marched on up the gravel path to the top, and once we got to the top and snapped a few quick pictures.

      All we wanted to do was fly back down.

     And the descent was SWEET! I even crossed something off my life list, popping a mono over the Snowy River, Check! As we rolled down the mount and back in to Jindabyne we were feeling pretty stoked with ourselves, which was good because tomorrow we were scheduled to race an 8 hour race at an alpine centre just outside of Jindabyne. I wasn’t too keen, after spending the last five days touring through the Australian alps only on 4W4 tracks, but hey, the race also included a free camping site, so we were there!

Race day! New year’s eve! And as I’m sure you all remember it was a scorcher, with the mercury rising up to 38-40 Celsius at the race course, but we were all keen, I was so keen I was taking the A line every lap, but it turns out others were having a little bit more trouble getting through the rock obstacles, thus this ensured that I ended up in an “A line sandwich” between two other riders

It wasn’t the conventional enduro race format as well, opposed to the relay race between team members that happens at most 8 hour races, this was an all-out sprint between everyone, everyone was racing it as if they were doing it solo, with lap times not counted it was all about the amount of laps you did, and we did a fair amount, actually we won. We even got a trophy! A wicked wombat! Holding a?      So we were pretty happy, it was just the motivation we need, and we decided that we should take the next day off, because we’re awesome. So we spent new year’s day chilling in the cascades of the Thredbo river, with a picnic on the banks, it was a relaxing, especially for my muscles which were still recovering from the beating they got from Tom Grogging. So after the nice tranquil day in the cascades we headed back to Jindabyne and checked into a campsite for the night, and slept tight, because tomorrow we were in for a nice treat.     The next day we were all happy and well rested, which was good because today we’d be taking on the Cascade Trail along with the Feared nine mile track. The first 60kms of the day was the Cascade Trail, and it was lovely, not too much up hill, with a lot of flowing downhill, we encountered many a brumby along the way. But the final 15kms were hectic, the nine mile track, nine miles of loose, rough, sandy fire roads with huge 5 metre high water bars, it gave my Formula brakes a real work out. But once we reached the bottom we could unclench our fists and roll on into our campsite, which was right next to the Pinch river, a small flowing river with lots of cascades.

Our last day, all we had to do was ride from Willis to a small camping ground near Omeo and we were done, tour over. But it wasn’t going to be that easy, the track we took from Willis to the camping ground was called Mcfarelans flat track, a double black diamond 4W4 track, and about 2 hours into our ride, I ate it. I ate it hard! But I could still ride, just, so we kept on going, leaving a trail of blood dripping along behind me, and a few hours later I’d nearly had enough, I just didn’t want to ride anymore, I’d split half my arm and leg open and I wasn’t too keen, but then luckily a nice bunch of 4W4 Drivers came along, and were happy to help us, so we loaded up our bikes on their cars and started making some new friends. Once I finally made it to the Omeo hospital it had been nearly 10 hours since my crash, and I wasn’t feeling too bad, although I had lost a lot of blood, and I was forgetting that I had a fair gash in my arm, so I checked into the hospital anyway. While in the waiting room it was approaching 9:30pm so I decided that a late night phone call home wouldn’t be necessary when a well worded email would do (and if you’re wondering that didn’t go down well with my folks) then I was called into the emergency room where I was met by a doctor whose first words to me where “another mountain biker!” even though he was a bit disgusted by my young age and recklessness he started checking me over, he put in a few stitches, retightened my cables, oiled the chain and sent me sent me packing with a box of antibiotics and an order not to ride for a month, neither of those lasted very long.

And that was my holidays.

Besides being only an hour flight away, the beauty of Adelaide is its geography. Only 15mins ride from your city digs and you’ll find yourself looking up at category 3 or 4 climb. This comes as pure delight to altitude freaks accustomed to an hour commute to the base of 1:20 or Kinglake.

Many of Adelaide’s climbs, like The Gorge, Norton Summit, Corkscrew Rd, the Old Freeway and Greenhill Rd are widely renowned, even to us Melbournians. Jack Bobridge’s sub-12min time up Norton (5.6km at 5.0%) frequented conversations with other bewildered cycling holiday-makers on the summit. A search of the internet will net you a backseat viewing of this effort, which is akin to riding most of 1:20 at 28kms/hr.

Greenhill Rd and the Gorge battle it out for the mantle of most scenic climb. Greenhill Rd’s distractingly good views over the CBD and coastline will take your mind off the steady 5% incline. I challenge you to keep your eyes on the road on the decent. Unlike Greenhill’s panoramas, The Gorge offers road side rock walls you can almost reach out and touch (author’s note: not recommended). Half way out there’s a large dam and a not bad coffee at Cudlee Creek is a prize for your efforts. On the way back down, all featherweights should hang a left and take a crack at Corkscrew Rd (2.5km at 8.9%). After the bridge, you’ll be greeted by a no nonsense 7-8% start, followed by switchbacks where my garmin read 18%. Sure to satisfy any desire for lactic acid and breathlessness.

For those looking for a quieter climbing experience, there’s Montecute Rd and Anstey to the northeast.

If you want to skip the hills altogether or take a recovery ride, it’s well worth heading to the coast. There’s a deep rim jamboree going on in Glenelg. You’ll also be able to pick up a good coffee, pasta or a beer, without taking you eyes off your bike.

For gun-toting Mexicans who like to test their wattage against the local crow eaters, I can recommend the Scuzzi ride (pronounced skoozy). Meet at 6:30 on a Tuesday night, at Scuzzi café, cnr O’Connell and Molesworth rd, North Adelaide. A group of very handy locals will string you out along the foreshore to Port Adelaide and back.

Cheers,

James Burns
http://app.strava.com/athletes/111528

Personally, I think this kind of information is a bit redundant as you could easily show somebody where to find a McDonalds with a very simple graphic:

Location of McDonalds stores wordwide

Anyway, I’m currently staying in Japan for a few months so I don’t really have much else to write about…
…sorry…
…so here’s the self-important-travel-blog-write-up.

The first thing you notice when you arrive in Japan (after the free health check at the airport) is how respectful everybody is:
• The Japanese respect floors – shoes are removed when entering most buildings (and some trains).
• The Japanese respect food – it is packaged well (perhaps too well) and eaten in many small portions so as to appreciate the many subtle flavours.
• The Japanese respect tourists – unlike some other Asian countries, tourists in Japan do not need to be concerned about getting ripped off or robbed which, I do admit, takes some of the fun out of travelling there.
• Most significantly, the Japanese respect people – every interaction is polite, no matter how trivial and there is a lot of bowing.

In fact, the most important thing you can learn when you first come to Japan is the correct way to bow. Even if you do not speak a word of the native language (I think it’s called Japalian), a well-executed bow can often suffice in many social interactions. For example:
• Meeting somebody for the first time
• Thanking somebody for their hospitality
• Getting a ride in somebody’s small car

I won’t go in to too much detail about this topic as it has already been thoroughly examined, particularly after U.S. Presdient Barrack Obama’s much-publicised bowing faux pas during his Japanese visit in 2009…

Obama was widely criticised in the media for the extent of his ‘overly humble’ bow to the Japanese Emperor

I was even astonished to see a cleaner bowing to the driver of a train that was arriving at a station platform, prior to getting on board to clean the interior. Aside from the bowing though, the trains in Japan are definitely something special. The bullet trains (or Shinkansen) can travel up to 300 km/h and look super cool.

This is the 700 Series and as you can see, it looks pretty serious. Its nose is super-aero and shaped like a duck’s bill and it has some ‘bad-arse’ tinting on the front windscreen.

Then there’s the N700 Series. This thing is so aerodynamic that it makes the Specialized Venge look like a Specialized CrossRoads Sport.

Just look at that long nose and cool front lights that resemble the nostrils on some fast, mythical dragon-serpent-creature. This thing is seriously fast as you can tell from this close-up image:

Bug splatter at 300 km/h

Then there’s the lowly 300 Series Shinkansen:

As you can see, it still has the ‘bad-arse’ tinted windscreen but the nose is not nearly as aerodynamic-looking and it just doesn’t fill you with the same sense of shock and awe as the N700. I prefer to call this series the ‘Shit-kansen’.

The Shinkansen are not only fast but also efficient and, like most things in Japan, incredibly punctual. If a Shinkansen arrives more than a minute behind schedule it is considered to be ‘late’ and I was assured by some Japanese friends of mine that this never happens. You can imagine my surprise then, when on one particular morning I arrived at the train station to this incredible sight:

It is likely that many people lost their jobs (and possibly their lives) over this atrocity

In Okinawa, one of the major islands off mainland Japan’s southern coast, things are a bit more relaxed than what you might find in Tokyo and it’s even possible to get out on the bike. Here’s a photo from one of my recent rides in Japan:

You can tell it’s Japan because the vending machine sells both hot and cold drinks.

Okinawa must also be the Kitty Kat Kapital of Japan because every single house seems to have at least one cat. I was considering putting together an entire post just about cats, but I realise that some people (not including Fitzroy Revolution’s other cat appreciators Duncan Murray and Sam McGregor of course) might have found that a bit too weird. So here’s a quick highlight reel of just some of the cats I’ve come across in Okinawa:

The other major highlight for me so far has definitely been the toilets. They are just so far in advance of anything that we have in Australia. This is a control panel (yes, that’s right, a Control Panel) from a public toilet in a shopping mall:

There is just so much going here that I really don’t know where to start…or finish for that matter…but I’m fairly certain that you’ll get a warm and wet bum in the process regardless. All the labels are in Japanese and I was thoroughly confused but from what I can gather, this toilet basically allows you to spray water at your bum at whatever temperature and whatever angle that you choose…and it also doubles as a handy drinking fountain. The other great innovation that I’ve come across is the water-saving Integrated Hand Basin (IHB) design. Possibly a cross-over from the bicycle industry where Integrated Seat Posts (or ISPs) are now becoming the norm on many high-end road and mountain bikes:

Integrated Seat Post (left) and Integrated Hand Basin (right)

Well, there’s plenty more to say about Japan, but for now, it’s time to load up the S-Works Touring Bike and head out on a 3-day cycle tour of Okinawa. More on that next time.

I figure I’m not great at writing race reports, and as we move through each day after sweltering day, I’m less and less inclined to write up what happened in each individual day of the Victorian Christmas Carnivals. So instead I’m going to outline what each day generally entails. There were, of course, variations, but none of them were particularly outstanding – usually just a battle to find coffee, or different issues with bike parts. I’ll provide the outlines and you can use your imagination to fill in the details.

* Wake up, shower and have breakfast. It is hot, and everyone feels kinda gross, so that morning shower is vital. We’ve brought along our own cereal, and I smash a delicious protein shake made of protein powder and water. Yes, that was sarcasm.

* Two hours on the road. Generally this was just Hurley and I, but on different days we had different company. On day one I had some sprints on the program, which we both did, but for the other days Hurley did his sprints then waited for me to catch up.

* Find some food. Some days this was easy, like when Casey made us all salad rolls, but some days it was kinda difficult, like in Shepparton. At this point I’d like to make the claim that Shepparton is the worst town in Victoria. This realization hit Hurley the hardest, as he has to live there next year.

* Drive to the next town. The initial plan was for Hurley to drive, in order to rack up some L plate hours, but his driving had an odd effect on Casey, who suffered car sickness for the first time in years. Hurley claimed it was not the first time he had made a woman sick, but it was possibly the first time he had done it by driving.

* Find a place to stay. We stayed with my parents, with Hurley, and at this vegan bed and breakfast just outside of Shep. It was pretty easy, for the most part, and certainly better than driving around looking for a hotel.

* Find some dinner. I ate a lot of salads from the Coles deli, a lot of chips and dip, and a lot of mixed nuts. What I assumed were the local Iraqi community were catering at Shep, which would have been rad, but I was a bit skint by that point, so I missed out.

* Find the track. Again, mostly this was pretty simple, but I’d never been to the Wangaratta track, so it took some finding. With this was finding a place to sit. For the most part Jess Morgan had arrived before us, and had claimed an awesome spot (including the annual Brunswick location in Shep, on top of the hill), but by the end of the carnivals seating had become a political proposition – a feud was developing between the Bendigo riders and the riders from Croydon Cycleworks, and in order to appear non-partisan we Fitzroy Revolution riders were careful to sit in neutral spots.

* Fix broken parts. This was the first year I’ve had mechanical issues, and they came in droves. On Christmas Eve, before we even left, I broke a spoke on my rear road bike wheel, and had to borrow Hurely’s. In Horsham I loaned my spare wheels to Gene, who had forgotten his, and by Bendigo he had broken a locknut on the rear one. After Horsham I put my track bike on the roof of Dave Morgan’s car, and by the time we arrived in Bendigo the heat and the vibrations of the road had melted a whole in the tyre. I switched to Hurley’s spare and promptly blew up one of his latex tubes. In Shepparton I discovered that the rear hub on my race wheels had almost seized up – Hurley and Neil attacked it with their cone wrenches and some chain lube, got it back on, and I promptly won a race. In Shep I also punctured the rear on my road bike, destroying another of Hurley’s latex tubes. Have I mentioned recently that Shepparton is the worst town in Victoria? In Wangaratta I didn’t break any bike parts, but my iPod did stop working on the way there, which was perhaps a greater loss.

* Get changed, get water, get warmed up. Sometimes we’d have a little time on the track, but mostly this was done on the rollers, which was never much fun. I took the road bike and it pretty much took me until Bendigo to realize that I’d be better off warming up in the big ring, to get the blood flowing to the legs, instead of just spinning for thirty minutes.

* Watch Hurley win some races. Apparently the usual handicapper was on holidays in the States, which meant there were some interesting decisions. As well as Sam Crome ending up in B grade, Hurley somehow ended up in D grade. He wasn’t proud, and promptly went about getting bumped up to C. His finest effort was perhaps in Bendigo, where he hit the bunch with six laps to go – on a 400 metre track – and stayed away. By Wangaratta they had moved him up, which didn’t stop him winning. He must’ve come home with at least five hundred bucks. I made him pay for petrol.

* Suffer. After last year, when I had some really fun times in B grade, I was definitely going to be in A grade. I knew this was going to be hard work, especially given my lack of fitness, and compounded by the hard training week immediately previous (Tapering? Never heard of it). Despite lining up against a number of former and current Olympians, I managed to finish almost every race, and by Wangaratta was starting to feel ok, even managing to win my handicap heat and make it into the Keirin final. Still, it wasn’t the most fun I’ve ever had, and not collecting money at the end of the night took some getting used to.

* Recover. Drink more delicious protein drink – there’s that sarcasm again – and put on some wanker pants (aka compression garments). Pack up all the shit we’d managed to spread around and drive back to wherever we’re staying. Wash some bottles, possibly do some laundry, probably shower, then try to sleep.

* Repeat.

In this year’s 17th Crocodile Trophy, there were probably more Aussies competing than ever before – I counted 21 including Fitzroy Revolution team members (clockwise from top-left):
1. Samuel “The Babysitter” McGregor
2. Matthias “The Sauerkraut” Schwarze
3. Your humble writer
4. And our spiritual leader, Carl “Telling it like it is” Maroney

Photo credit: 1. Turi Berg, 2. Crocodile Trophy 2011, 3. Turi Berg, 4. Craig from enduropulse.com.au

It’s at this point that you may be wondering if this is a story about some kind of weird fancy dress party that was themed as Angry/Sci-fi/Blackface/Pornstar. But no, I can assure you that this is what people actually looked like during the Crocodile Trophy.

Other Aussies included three of the Subaru Marathon MTB guys from Sydney and Melbourne hard man Brad “The Euro Whisperer” Davies. Brad had a great knack for making friends with the important Euros and then reporting back with strategic pre-race tactical information. For example, “I was talking to ‘Hasselhoff’ and he said that if we get in an early break the bunch won’t chase” or “I heard ‘Platzerwasel’ say that ‘Schnorkel’ will be following all the moves so there’s no point attacking today”.

Forrest’s own Jess Douglas was there representing for the female sex. Jess rode well and was engaged in a sort of pseudo-battle with Matthias on the general classification. I’ll let Matthias tell you who was victorious in that contest and simply say that it ended up being a close-fought battle.

Photo credit: Crocodile Trophy 2011

Despite this larger than usual contingent of Aussies, we were still pipped by the Belgians (with a total of 24 riders). Throw in to the mix a cohort of Austrians, a handful of Swiss, Italians and other Europeans (there was a lone Luxembourger and, in the inimitable words of SBS TV’s Mike Tomalaris, a few ‘Dutchmen from the Netherlands’) – and what you have is somewhat of a cultural melting pot – or perhaps a sticky back pocket full of different flavoured gel wrappers that have been baking in 45˚ heat for 5 hours might be a more fitting analogy for this race. Even a few dirty ditch-crossing Kiwis managed to sneak through immigration – but Carl sorted them out during the race.

I realise how important visual communication is at this point, so to (hopefully) paint a clearer picture I have expressed the nationalities represented in pie chart form below:

Obviously, infographics help a lot and nobody understands this better than the Channel 9 Cricket Telecast team. Cricket graphics have been leading the way since the early 1980s and over the years have brought us some classics that include “The Worm”, the “Wagon Wheel” and, more recently, the “Hawkeye”.

Now…here’s where it gets interesting…if we make some minor changes to the rotation of the pie chart shown above and tweak the colour scheme just a fraction we end up with a graphic that the Channel 9 cricket team would surely be proud of:

In fact, if you analyse the chart above closely, those keen cricket statisticians among you might notice that it very closely mimics David Boon’s batting wagon wheel from the 1993 2nd Ashes Test.

David Boon is most notably remembered for his (as yet unbeaten) record of 52 cans of full-strength beer consumed on a flight between Sydney and London en-route to the 1989 Ashes Series. Boon, also known as the ‘keg on legs’ had a tenacious competitive streak and steely mindset that also helped him become one of Australia’s all-time best batsmen. Personally, I’d like to see Boon, now 50 years of age, get on a mountain bike and enter the 2012 Crocodile Trophy – it’s certainly his type of race – so I’m putting out the challenge. I’d also like to see him attempt to beat his beer drinking record but with ‘XXXX Gold’ – a common beer in Far North Queensland. XXXX Gold has a unique taste that most closely resembles a watered-down version of a bad tasting beer.

Photo credit: Craig from enduropulse.com.au

And coming back to this topic of interesting infographic parallels just for a moment, if we make some further subtle changes to the colour scheme of the wagon wheel, the resulting graphic coincidentally depicts the taste and quality of the XXXX beer that awaits David Boon’s arrival in Queensland:

Even without David Boon, the 2011 event still had plenty of characters. One of the more colourful was recently retired Austrian road pro (and Herald Sun Tour Stage Runner Up), René Haselbacher – seriously, he got a 2nd place on Stage 2 back in 2001! Since retiring and moving to Cape Town, South Africa, Hasi has taken up mountain biking – hopefully myself, Duncan, Carl and Matthias will get to catch up with him at the ABSA Cape Epic next March.

The Croc Trophy is billed as the ‘Hardest, longest, most adventurous MTB race in the world’ and it was certainly a challenging experience…for a number of reasons. The racing was typical Euro-style – hard and fast. You can find race reports and results here. It was unlike any stage race I have competed in before and could best be described as cross between the Eurovision Song Contest and Outback Survivor…with a touch of ‘Austrian Backpackers Gone Wild’ thrown in for a bit of a laugh.

Aside from the hard-man racing style, the Europeans also added a lot of flavour to the overall Croc Trophy experience. If you’re not used to seeing a lot of exposed wang, then the Croc Trophy probably isn’t for you. The campsites are often quite remote, the showers very basic and there was a plentiful supply of Euro men who were more than comfortable wandering around in the nude. The fact that this is even noticed is obviously a reflection on Australia’s more conservative attitudes towards nudity however the sight of a fully naked, middle-aged, European gentleman enthusiastically applying ointment to his undercarriage in broad daylight and in full view of the campsite made me wish that I’d stolen an eyemask from the Jetstar flight on the way to Cairns.

Photo credit: Crocodile Trophy 2011

Unfortunately there wasn’t much relief when the Europeans were wearing clothes because despite what you see on the catwalks of Milan, it appears that little, if any, of that stylish European fashion sense has rubbed off on their mountain bikers.

An Italian rider donned this very fetching matching turquoise combo of short-shorts and tank-top each day post-ride – Photo credit: Craig from enduropulse.com.au

The Australian outback landscapes that the Crocodile Trophy passed through each day were also quite fascinating. One of the more interesting sights are the termite mounds. These can range in size from a few centimetres high up to well over a metre and they piqued the curiosity of a number of riders – I believe that Carl had a very close personal encounter whilst bush-bashing to avoid some sand on Stage 6.

The Korean riders, in particular, were mesmerised by these strange rock-like mounds that have a hard exterior yet also seem strangely fragile. They wondered what was inside and curiosity eventually got the better of them.

Photo credit: Craig from enduropulse.com.au

The next frame, which unfortunately was not captured by our talented photographer, consisted of the same intrigued Korean rider now pouring Red Bull in to the top of the termite mound, presumably to instigate an evacuation of the wondrous creatures hidden within. Although this wasn’t captured on film, I have taken the liberty of recreating the ensuing event as best I can.

There was plenty of down-time after the finish of each stage and while waiting around for tents to be set up or taking bets on when the food trucks were likely to arrive, entertainment generally came in the form of watching the chaos of each night’s campsite unfold. There were volunteer backpackers assigned to tasks well exceeding their capabilities, drunken doctors attending to the riders’ wellbeing and middle-aged Europeans, well, just being themselves. As I mentioned earlier, it was certainly a diverse international pastiche – and much like the Eurovision Song Contest, the talent on display was often overshadowed by the drama, the emotion and the outfits.

Mike Tomalaris and the Fitzroy Revolution crew – Photo credit: Mike Blewitt from marathonmtb.com

The biggest personality of the race and my personal highlight for the entire event was reserved for the finish. SBS Cycling presenter Mike Tomalaris met the riders at the conclusion of the final stage and then hosted the awards dinner that evening. It was great to meet the man who has done so much to increase the profile of cycling in Australia.

You might be wondering why I appear to be pointing at Mike’s ‘package’ in the photo. If you look closely, I was surprised to discover that his groin region actually resembles the face of the great Belgian cyclist Eddie Mercx.

Coincidence or not? You be the judge.

As you can imagine, when a tough race like this comes to an end, the riders tend to get a little loose. Mike Tomalaris himself seemed a little stunned at the level of intoxication that our table had managed to achieve prior to the awards dinner commencing. Once it was over and each finisher had received their actual ‘crocodile trophy’, it was back to the caravan park to relax over a few more beers and cigarettes…what? Yes, that’s right, it appears that another famous European tradition, smoking, is even embraced by many elite athletes. A number of the top riders in the race were quick to ditch the protein shakes and whip out the darts as soon as the race was over. I didn’t see any of the Australians joining in and I must admit that I found it quite strange. I couldn’t think of many things more detrimental for a professional who’s main asset is a healthy body – that’s why you never saw David Boon trading in his VB for a XXXX Gold after a test match – some things are just too sacred.

Looking back on the whole event, I can honestly say that it was…arduous. Certainly an interesting experience. Would I do it again? Maybe. But before that decision can be made, the Fitzroy Revolution team will be busy with the release of their upcoming album…

Eurovision Dreaming - The Soundtrack to the 2011 Crocodile Trophy - In stores July - Photo: Fiona Yard

Saddle sores aren’t my friends, but we reluctantly catch up every now & then. From what I understand saddle sores come from infection of abrasions of the skin. These little cuts are caused from friction between skin and the chammy. If your saddle is too high you’ll rock n roll your hips in order to reach your pedals every stroke, effectively grinding your gooch to the next life. If your saddle or knicks don’t fit properly this will give you trouble! Any event that requires a lot of high stress efforts or grinding that leads to “pig rooting” the bike is going to induce more friction on the contact point. The twisting involved in a sling combined with force on the saddle around corners make madisons the most taxing event I’ve experienced on the gooch. The damp, warm chammy area makes for good conditions for bacteria to flourish.
So you’ve got the right shorts, you’ve been fitted, & you’ve found the saddle that works for you. Sweet! Now, time to get a procedure down. Hygiene stops saddle sores. Keep that sucker clean! Make sure you’re clean before you put kit on, and get out of that kit & shower as soon as possible! when training this isn’t difficult, but it gets tricky when racing. Once the finish line has been crossed a shower often isn’t available for a couple of hours. In this situation baby wipes are a godsend. Out of kit quickly, quick wipedown & dress up. You’ll feel a million bucks. Please, please don’t wear the same knicks twice without washing them.
Even when your kit & position are perfect, friction is inevitable when riding. The key here is to lessen the blow. This is where chammy cream comes in, & boy does it work wonders. Chammy cream exists for it’s friction reduction
& antiseptic qualities. Course sections of the pad are smoothed, and the miles tick over significantly easier. Some like to apply cream to the skin, but i find it better to cover the chammy in cream. Both methods work exceptionally, I find it easier to have all bases covered on the chammy. Don’t skimp! It does feel a little unusual when you first sit down, but once you’re off & riding it goes unnoticed – but its effects don’t!
So, saddle sores suck. Get fitted. Find the right saddle. Cream up then clean up. Ride again tomorrow, pain free!

I should have realised that today’s ride wasn’t going to be very productive when the already generous start time of “9am at Atomica Caffe” was pushed back to 10am.

Many of my friends who work full-time are forced to train early on weekday mornings and they seem to easily get in to the habit of waking up before sunrise and heading out in the cold to get their required km’s in. It seems that even on weekends, when they don’t need to be at the office by 9am, they are always still keen to head out early because it has become a habit. For me, having the time to ride during the day has only caused me to develop two habits – sleeping in and drinking coffee before rides.

Today I was riding with Mark (or if you prefer, Sando, or possibly ‘The Colonel’) and we began the day with a couple of games of backgammon at the café.

Backgammon is a great way to warm up before a road ride as it gets the mind ticking over but keeps the heartrate generally quite low…unless you roll a lot of double sixes.

It must have been around 11am before we left the café and after jumping on our road bikes we realised that we hadn’t worked out where to ride. After a few more minutes of indecisive chatter we came to a basic consensus – it was almost lunchtime on a beautiful sunny day, so let’s go on an adventure.

We made it from Fitzroy to West Preston (roughly 6.2km) before the lure of an omelette at the Pearl Oyster became too overwhelming to resist and so it was that we embarked on our 2nd café stop for the day. By the time breakfast was over and we got back on the bikes the total ride time had been about 20 minutes whilst café time had totalled almost 2 hours. It was at this point it dawned on me that we had unknowingly begun some sort of café interval session where the riding bits were the recovery.

Usually a road ride has a purpose – cyclists in Melbourne head to the hills to build up climbing strength or cruise along the beach for a more uninterrupted fast, flat ride – but today we were on an adventure and the only purpose was to kill a few hours on the bike…so we just headed north.

I’m not really familiar with most of the suburbs that we rode through today but I did see road signs for ‘Reservoir’, ‘Lalor’ and at some point, ‘Broadmeadows’ – but I don’t think we actually made it there because there were no sightings of Shane Skillz.

It’s always good to ride somewhere new, to expand the ride repertoire and discover some new routes. It keeps things fresh and interesting…and the most interesting part of today’s ride was definitely the trucks – lots of them…and they were big…and fast…and seemed to offer very little clearance when passing us on gravel-dusted roads. As it turns out, the area of Melbourne in which we rode, and which I can’t accurately describe except for being North-North-West-West of Fitzroy, is actually quite industrial. And so while most typical road rides might look something like this…

Thanks to Neil Robinson for the pics. http://htfu.entyr.com

…Today’s ride was a little more like this…

…But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t still fun, because as this photo shows, I am clearly having a better time than at last weekend’s Garmin 24hour…

It’s difficult to keep the sponsors happy when your jersey is hidden beneath a solid 2-inch layer of mud.